Dear Pizza-Loving Lovers,

Weddings are a trade-off. You get to rub your guessed marital elation instantly in the faces of your family and friends( and Facebook feed) for an entire era, and we pretend to be happy for you. In reappearance for our cooperation, you owe it to your guests to deliver on particular traditions: an open table, hot groomsmen to keep us entertained, and the excuse to orgy on marriage patty until our Spanx threaten to split open. Unless youre some romantic jackas, free booze and patty are literally the only reason to sit through the anguish of a wedding ceremony, but you had the nervethe audacityto serve a pizza patty at your wed. I ask you: What the fuck?

Obviously, betches love pizza. Fucking everyone cherishes pizza. Thats why theres a pizza place on every area of every street in America. Its so inexpensive that you can get a slice for a single dollar, which is like half the same reasons pizza is the perfect drunk-binge nutrient. Waking up hungover and surrounded by pizza boxes means youre out, like, $30 at most for the nutrient( and $90 for the vodka, but whatever ). But pizza at a wed is an abomination.

Yes, weddings are expensive, but actually? Youre so broke you were supposed to tell a knot of bringing pizza like its your 11 th birthday defendant and you couldnt persuade your momma to take you to Chuck E. Cheese? I scarcely understand the meaning of the word budget, but even I know that if youre that strapped for cash, you are able to fervour the DJ and make a Spotify playlist for the reception.

Instead, you served pizza. As I already pointed out, drunk pizza binges are essentially an American habit, so I guarantee 95 percent of your single clients had snacked it in their hotel rooms the darknes before, when they were boozing away their horror of dying alone. You think they were agitated when they “ve seen you” bring out four fucking pizzas stacked on top of each other instead of a wed patty?

The answer is clearly no, “theyre not”. I dont attention if it was what pizza dreams are made ofeveryone was expecting patty, and you reneged on that hope. And how did that the project works, BTW? Did you fetch the “cake” out after everyone had already eaten dinner like a couple of demons? Have some fucking respect for the people who are currently raining you with marriage endows you clearly dont deserve.

By the room, despite what you may believe, a gelato optionwhich they serveddoesnt make up for the absence of marriage patty. Sure, it savor good, but the two foods are in no way equivalent. Bingeing on patty at the receipt is an integral part of ingesting your feelings before you progress to boozing away your feelings and slamming the semi-hot bartender in your auto when the girl of honor calls dibs on the one hot groomsman. Bingeing on gelato merely gives you a brain suspension. Do you see how these two pleasures are not equivalent?

Honestly, Im not sure why there wasnt a uprising immediately after the patty was brought forward. Are your friends that polite? Was everyone so consumed they had already reached the pizza bingeing detail of the darknes? Either room, satisfy expend your honeymoon considering how to text your apologetic letters, and repeat after me: Pizza will never weigh as cake.

XOXO,

Dr. Frankenbetch