The cast is getting back to their mansion after simply getting one brand-new equal. Theyre like, hmmm do we suck at this? Yes. Yes, you do.

Austin is like and everyone is like,. They do what they do every fucking episode after they fail miserably in the match ceremony- they drink.

Meanwhile, Chelsey and Connor are in the honeymoon suite, which looks like any ordinary penthouse suite except with like a smidge of rose pedals and theyre like. Ugh, poor person problems.

Kayla is like This is what people whose partners go to war must feel like. Kayla, you less hot Mila Kunis, its time to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.

Chuck and Kiki are flirting( barf) and Chuck is talking straight out of his ass. Of route Kiki is blindly agreeing. At this degree Chuck could say he starts ardors for enjoyable and Kiki would be like ME TOO, CHUCK. ME TOO.

You can tell they are both entirely hammered. I feel like 90% this present the castmates are just blacked out and another 10% is them hungover AF trying to deal with Ryan Devlins shit. Goes on MTV show, becomes storming alcoholic. Its the clique of life.

Chuck: I AM SO EXCITED TO BE A DAD* seeings roll into back of his head, takes another shot* Im sure youll get some rando chick pregnant soon Chuck, dont fret. I have faith in you.

Kiki is like Kiki is like, such a good friend.

THE GAME

They meet Ryan on the beach and they are so excited. Theyre the peppiest cluster of losers Ive ever seen.

This week is a boys objection, which is like ugh so boring. So the girls said something( most likely fucking stupid) and the sons have to stand behind the mention they like “the worlds largest”. Then they have to open a treasure chest, find a mystify and gave that shit together to investigate what daughter it is. The winner gets an extra special trophy, oh goody.

You know all their little mentalities are throbbing over this complicated play and Austin is like THIS SHIT IS MY TIME TO SHINE.

Alec is like I need to get Stacey in to the truth booth with me so she will leave me the fuck alone. I want them to go so they get the match and get the fuck off my TV screen. I can only stare at Alecs rat face so much longer.

Devin looks the quote my first kiss was a girl and hes like SOLD. THATS MY MATCH. This is a friendly reminder to never forget that Devin is a fucking douche. Youre welcome.

Alec isnt getting the right key and hes get really upset and shedding shit. Its like, okay simmer down there you guido hulk. Stop trying to pretend like you have an ounce of testosterone.

Its a close tournament but Chuck finishes first picking Kiki. Austin finishes second and goes Cheyenne. Austin is like,. Fair enough.

Nelson is like Chey and Austin aint a parallel YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW NELSON.

Ry Devs like Hawaii was built from volcanoes explosion and magma chilling down and everyone is like, Hunters dumbass barely overtaken 6th grade life science, he has no theory what the hell is going on here. They dont have volcanoes out on “the farmers “, so they must not exist.

Anyway, the whole geology assignment was given so Kiki and Chuck could learn that their special pillage is they get a helicopter move. They act like they were just told theyll get to razz on a fucking magical unicorn- you can get a fucking helicopter tour off Groupon, you peasants.

Meanwhile, Austin and Cheyenne get to go to ice cream. LOLs.

Hannah immediately wants Kiki and Chuck out. Shes like I enjoy Kiki, even though she is like, really forgery. Thats the slyest insult of the season, Jamie would be so proud. But we all agree- going Chuck and Kiki out “wouldve been” killing two chicks with one stone. Which ironically, is something Hunter have in fact done out on the array before.

Hannah: Your even off looks really good on you, you dont even notice your surface problems.

Ryan is like yo, I know youre all unnerve because everyone you know and desire is watching you act like an asshat on television- but Im going to make it better with an all nighttime luau! THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, RYAN DEVLIN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE DATE

Chuck and Kiki go on their stupid fucking helicopter appointment. Kiki is like I cant believe this is our life !!! LOLz, I recollect my first time doing something that expenditure over $100. Their oohing and ahhhhing over cascades because its the interesting thing that stimulate these two.

Meanwhile, Austin and Cheyenne are on their ice cream appointment that from an intruders view looks like a really shitty tinder meetup. Earnestly, Cheyenne and Austin definitely sounds like they were held at gunpoint and forced to go on this date.

Austin is like ,, and Cheyenne is like. Go meet Rashida! Rashida requirement someone to love her, goddammit.

Austin tells Cheyenne about his dating flaws- which are essentially haunting whenever he meets a idiosyncrasy in someone he doesnt like. Cheyenne is like I dislike beings like you, Austin. I would agree with Cheyenne, but I cant exactly speak from experience because I have no bad attributes. Its a backing and cus, really.

Chuck and Kiki have and awkward picnic where they are like I want to caress you, but I dont. Oh dont participate flirtatious Chuck, you fucked a girl last week on a goddamn common bench.

THE LUAU

Chuck is like Ive been to a luau but nothing like this. Thats because this isnt a luau, its a fucking Hawaiian themed orgy. Thats like calling a frat residence Toga Party a observance of Greek History. No. Its “states parties ” where people wear no robes and end up having fornication in the assembly room. Lets cut the bullshit.

Zak/ Bae is like I require a girl who is down for anything who the hell is system for anal. Zak starts flirting with Hannah and Cheyenne is like. Nelsons over there chuckling to himself.

Nelson : I knew this was gonna happen* sips tea* but thats nothing of my business

Hannah and Zak take a page out of Britnis book and start being sexually forward and making out on a lawn chair. Im sensing a topic this season- making outdoor furniture sexy.

Chuck is like Ok, Hannahs out so, Im gonna flirt with Kiki and Kiki is like candidly, he seems like such a nice guy. Oh Kiki. Beautiful, stupid, little Kiki. Devin is a little jealous and hes like,. Okay Devin, dont get your fucking panties in a knot.

Zak and Hannah decide to skinny-dip because MTV has a quota they need to meet of naked parties in bodies of water per season. They make out on the beach and God is above them gesturing his head in acceptance, because this is what the good lord fucking intended.


Britni goes to the bar and is like You realize youre still in the United States right? Like, just because they are browner than you doesnt mean they are Mexican.

Chuck is like everything was going so good with Kiki, but then I remembered Im a cheating dickfuck and went roped in by Britni. Ugh I ever dislike sequels and this is round 2 of the Britni/ Chuck tale. Britni sinks her little fang-like teeth into Chuck and they start making out in front of Kiki, who is crying alone at the bar. There is so much deju vu happening rn.

Kiki: My perfect match would consider me while ensuring respect( amusing, your best friend Hannah said that last week)

Kiki confronts Chuck and hes like Britni offered a lap dance and I couldnt say no, I mean thats just rude. Kayla comes in and is like are you being a dick, Chuck? Does a allow shit in the groves, Kayla? Chuck leaves, perhaps to see find Britni and bone on an outdoor seating plan somewhere.

Kiki is like, well that was a bust- Devin way over Kikis shit and is like, gtfo. Kiki is flub on her messages in order to keep Devin around

Kiki : But I like you, uh I like you so much, Dev uh please.

Meanwhile, Zak and Hannah escape to the boom-boom chamber where Im sure theyre having a nice long talk about their importances. The Boom-Boom room is so season two. All the cool kids fuck on the patio these days!

Also, Tyler and Melanie are actually having a sincere dialogue without alcohol- awwww I recollect the 9th grade.

TRUTH BOOTH

Surprise, stun. Its Chuck and Kiki to the truth booth. Kiki might as well only move her plot to the fucking truism booth.

Devin tells Kiki laterz baby and they communicate those two fuckwads on their acces. Everyone is like, this determines the game because if they are a pair then everybody else is wrong. Ehhh , not sure it determines the game but okay.

Devin says the REAL TRUE QUOTE of the night and is like. WOAH. Someone has been playing style too much Grand Theft Auto. Everyone is like

But then, when we learn that Chuck and Kiki ARENT A MATCH, Devin throws a table. Where do they find all these man-child people who throw outbursts? Severely MTV, your shedding head has some issues.

The cast copulates are like we have no fucking mind whats going on.Yeah, we know.

Rashida tells Kiki not to talk to Devin because he said some fucking crazy stuff and Kiki is like,. Devin starts screaming about how he doesnt wanna is right there, he dislikes everyone, that he said he didnt want salmon four times, and this Tv show is horseshit !!!!

Later, all the sons are talking strategy. Ive insured better ideas come out of a fucking kindergarten classroom. Austin, the betchy/ semi-smart one out of the group, is like, yo let me handle this.

Alec tries to explain the strategy but gets confused by some French fries in the distance and loses his train of thought. Get it together, former-fat bro.

THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Its the boys selection tonight and they have a strategy fix that I have 100% sect will fail. Dont let me down boys.

Chuck is firstly and he collects Freckles/ Amanda , because they are friends. LAME.

Tyler is up next and hes like I have this amazing alliance with Mel, I like her so much! and Ryan Devlin is like FANTASTIC !!! THE QUICKER YOU FIGURE THIS OUT, THE QUICKER I GET PAID! WHO IS YOUR MATCH?

And Tyler , whose intelligence cadres have clearly precisely started succumbing within the past few weeks in Kona picks Hannah . SERIOUSLY. Everyone is like, wtf buster? Tyler is like,

Zak picks Kayla , since Tyler really dicked him by embezzling Hanz.

Austin picks Cheyenne because idk has Austin even spoken to any other daughter?

Hunter picks Britni . Again, that whole two fowl, one stone thing applies here.

Alec took a burst from being a monstrou vagina and bitching about Stacey the coming week and actually PICKED her. They call one another Mummy and Dad and its like, ew satisfy do not revile my parents like that.

Nelson picks Kiki and Ryan Dev is like Kiki, so far no one likes you, how do you feel? She explains how her and Devin are over and Devin says, straight out of the notebook,

Devin picks Rashida . Poor Rashida. #prayforRashida

Mike and Melanie are left- the stripper and the girl with daddy concerns. Those go hand in hand, right?

Austin is like, God we need this otherwise everyone is going to fucking assassinate me. And hes right. They probably will. Good word for Austin, they dont get a blackout.

Bad news for Austin: THEY GET TWO MATCHES. Sleep with an gaze open, Austin.

They are six escapades in and have yet to break 5 competitions. Thank god you all are pretty, stimulate you sure aint smart. div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBody spectacle: none ;

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