Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what the fuck is up immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three chapters of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect pairs systematically rend each other to bits by using their biggest dangers against them. Oh wait. Now that I applied it that way, this sounds like a bomb. Shall we dive right in?

Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with times from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t be required to remind me how scaring Bria was. I interpret her unoccupied stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion been established in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh* t about the prove and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!

As the perfect competitions walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and daughter it was money WELL SPENT. And it sounds all of our contestants period traveled back to 2001, got their kits at Wet Seal, and were told the esthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”

Right off the bat, Terry questions Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right when they are got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. See you KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you placed additional efforts into this casting at all.

Papa T to Shamoy:

Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why is fully prepared to your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the bathroom?

The cast is asked who the most surprising competition was( Asia and Tomas ), which then passes Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suction his d* ck all season. Sure, Jan.

And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only were identified intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which in fact sounds about right.

We return from the commercial-grade snap and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.

Tomas and Cali announced today they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect pair and he looks like a total geek tonight. I favor him with the sunburn.

Terry sets his views on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost ascendancy of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and glints at Brett like he’s doing him a advantage. Dude , nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh* t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.

Now the whole cast told that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and “re making fun” of Morgan’s wig. Oh, shrieks. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t guess.

I’m glad to see everyone is booze out of Solo cups during the commercial interruption. I feel like MTV contemplates these people are like vehicles, and they won’t play-act unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.

Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now manufactured their space to the electric chair. Kenya made a flattering colouring change to her mane, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.

Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but acknowledge they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.

Terry:

You people, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s devoting Tyra a run for her coin. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Announce me at 555 -5 55 -5 555. ”

And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might recollect her from last-place season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, “theyre all” sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twinned newborns that fly.

A refresher:

View this pole on Instagram

Holaaa

A post shared by Anthony Martin (@ anthonymartin9) on Mar 10, 2018 at 5:53 pm PST

This is Diandra.( Too, you’re welcome for encountering this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning simply to pee-pee me off ). Perhaps you are able to illustration her with whipped cream in her opening though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, precisely spraying it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your lover won’t cut off your pellets. Just specific suggestions !!

Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He stirs her reiterate to the camera that she is “dope as f* ck” which is so dorky and exclusively reassures me more that Papa T will be a extremely caring papa with a nonsensical wardrobe and stupid job.

Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s ruffling obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.

We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was vindictive and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at fornication. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.

Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown humankinds with naturally extremely blonde “hairs-breadth” to be unsettling. It’s a personal difficulty, I know.

Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.

Asia 😛 TAGEND

Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese dish to do likewise.

Now they’re taking questions put by the gathering. God, TERRENCE. You truly just rolled out of bed and came to do this testify, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this summary I only emulated and glued tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up–can I do that? Editor?

Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b* tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her trust and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she treated this because if someone was of the view that to me I would turn my accommodation into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my couch again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.

Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are depict times of the whole Cam/ Kayla saga in case anyone prolonged brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14 -year-old girl replenishing out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely parties, one obviously on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.

Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the depict thought he was a outraging troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also be pointed out that he got a haircut and examines fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS ?!

Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/ Cam combat. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misreading because in West Virginia it apparently intends “to get to know, ” but in Jersey it entails “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to aim “to have intercourse, ” so why not hurl another term into my vocabulary?

Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But gravely, can I hire studies and research firm or something to crunch some figures for me? How many parties get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their coin responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last react is zero.

Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more delightful?

Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the sofa and Papa T delicately requests Bria if she conceives she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much, ” and “intricately storying someone else’s death” that got swept this season, but maybe that’s just me.

Morgan says that Zak considered her atrociously but at the least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she reckons self-aware signifies smug prick? I hope she spent some of her acquires on a dictionary.

YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the evidence, Zak transmitted Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and persuaded her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much religion in you! And guess what, he f* cked her over! I’ve never been little dismayed about something in “peoples lives”.

Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s different kinds, kind husband who wants me to have as much information as is practicable which could be used to lampoon the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys !! He hooked up with Geles from last-place season, and with Nilsa! One of my girlfriends from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the red-hot material. You absurd, absurd girl.

And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t visualize I’ve hooked up with this many parties in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ hour. And is about to change he did the same happening to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just expend all his acquires on piloting girls out to Texas and then rending their middles out with his bare hands?

Okay so Shanley shows up and is an indication of that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context to the reasons why she is there. Oh god. I’m feared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.

Holy sh* t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to fright her.

Me RN:

Okay Sam and Bria are various kinds of protecting him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies speaking this right now, NO. Do not defend a buster who threatened to exhaust retribution porn of other women! Who attends that he didn’t actually have it!( Which I don’t guess anyways .) I candidly can’t even think of something symbolize enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a imaginative method to say he’s worse than the scum float in the suspicious puddle I construed on a seat on the metro this morning. F* ck you Zak. I gift you no spots, and may God have mercy on your person.

Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I consider Nutsa would agree.

Now Terry returns Zak the chance to talk because we’re all only DYING to hear this manipulative motherfucker be explained that HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to handout avenge porn of. Papa T requests Zak if he will ever change.

( Joey, I’m sorry I likened you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging .)

On the commercial-grade shatter, Zak is gleeful about how sh* tty he is. Severely MTV, if I investigate him on a display again I will at the least send your office multiple sheen bombs. Try cleanse that up, assholes.

We were eventually obliged it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:

Everyone concurs Bria and Zak were the worst battle in the house Sam and Cali made up in the airport Everyone would do it again even without the money( probs because the alcohol is free-spoken)

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here