If you know anyone whos went married( so like, everyone reading this rn) youve possibly bought some stupid shit the couple registered for as a gift. I represent, I cherish a elegant pottery blueprint and some Baccarat crystal as much as the next betch, but like, I eat takeout five nighttimes a week and when I dont Im dining cereal out of a Solo cup. Its not like the day you get married you turn into Martha Stewart and start roasting muffins and hosting dinner defendants for the superintendent and shit. No one necessity this substance. And per customary, the gods at Dominos merely get it, so theyve made a registry that leaves married parties something theyll actually enjoy: a pizza registry.

The registry is filled with a handful of different pizza-filled moments like the “Thank-You-Card-a-thon” so writing hundreds of thank you notes to your parents friends isnt as squalid, or a “Post-Honeymoon Setting to Real Life” because the only happen that they are able clear come back for a errand to Bora Bora or Europe not so terrible is cheesy, delicious pizza.

The only thing thats kinda lame is that its really not a registry at all, exactly a glorified endow placard that can be used on the Dominos website. Fuck you, Domino’s and your marketing unit. You simply developed a separate landing sheet for a theory that has existed for YEARS. Like, I would disown someone who got me a Domino’s giftcard for my birthday, but I’m expected to ask for that for my fucking bridal, the only occasion where I can ask my closest family and friends to buy me expensive shit I can’t afford without it being considered panhandling? Hard pass.

However, if some entrepreneur decided to take it upon himor herself to come up with a registry for any of the following items, let’s just say I wouldn’t be mad.

1. Vodka Of The Month

This very well might exist, but honestly, I’m lazy and don’t want to nature it into Google. Regardless, any relative who gave me a monthly vodka subscription would be at the highest level of my thank you note listing. Marriage is apparently design, so I’m going to need a lot of fermented potatoes to make it through.

2. A Drug Dealer Concierge

See previous memo about marriage being make. Why do “work” when I can register for enough Xanax to kill a large mammal to be delivered to me at some afterward, unspecified year?

3. A One-Way Ticket To Canada And A Valid Visa

Just responding, I might require this later on with the way things have been proceeding lately.

4. A Lifetime Netflix Subscription

Anybody who places a $50 Domino’s giftcard on my fucking marriage registry is a cheap asshole. But someone who accuses my lifetime supply of Netflix to their tab? That shit’s going to add up real quick. Though, passed my current alcohol uptake and practise regimen, my doctor would disagree. But fuck off, Dr. Bernstein. I don’t need your negativity.

5. HBO Go

NO IT IS NOT THE SAME AS A NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION. Do you actually know anybody with HBO? I make somebody who’s actually your agetheir parents don’t count. No? That’s what I pondered. That’s because HBO is expensive af/ for real adults who are in a position yield cable boxes, which is something I will never be if my current spending attires are any indication.

But I entail if anyone want to get do all these thingsbuy me a ton of pizza, I wouldn’t precisely complain either.