This is Rob. You are in love with Rob.
Rob is your No. 1 lover extraordinaire. He knows all the romance moves. He formerly bought you a rose, but a dog feed it.
Rob advances the two countries selling goblets of freezing-cold vinegar out of the trunk of his minivan. You met him five years ago where reference is knocked on your door to sell you a beaker of vinegar that had a bug in it for $75. When Rob saw how beautiful you were, he employed a second fault in the cup, which he replied was often an honour reserved for the President of the United States. You fell in love with him immediately, and “hes having” been your marvelous boyfriend ever since.
Youre goddamn privilege you cherish Rob. He is no other slab of beefcake that your libido can understand.
Rob wanders the two countries selling goblets of freezing-cold vinegar out of the stem of his minivan. You congregated him five years ago when he knocked on your doorway to sell you a cup of vinegar that had a flaw in it for $75. When Rob saw how beautiful you were, he made two seconds bug in the bowl, which he did was generally an honor reserved for the President of the United States. You fell in love with him instantly, and “hes having” been your remarkable boyfriend ever since.
One special darknes, Rob took you on a date to a restaurant so romantic that it only served lobsters that were in love with the chefs who boiled them alive. It was called Kiss Restaurant. It was the most romantic eatery in the whole county.
You went to Kiss Restaurant with Rob. The lobster savor sour and brave. You could sounds the soul of the lobster laughing in heaven as you gobble his flesh. It was the best lobster you had ever had. Three hours into the banquet, Rob looked into your eyes and did, Watch at this, amigo. He snapped his digits and three strippers dressed as seductive police officers dragged your vehicle into the restaurant and blew it up with fireworks. It was the most romantic concept you had ever seen, and your nature shrieked and burped for Rob.
Then a absolutely supernatural thing occurred: Cheat had his acquaintance Edgard climb out of the debris of your blown-up car holding a beautiful engagement hoop. Rob wants to marry you, told Edgard, and he propped the engagement sound really close to your eyes. It smelled like vinegar. I dipped the ring in vinegar, Rob announced to the whole restaurant, and everyone praised.
Do you recollect what happened after that?
Okay, makes try again. It has all happened again: Rob took you to the passion eatery; he blew up your gondola; Edgard indicated you the ring and told you that Rob wanted to marry you. The reverberate smelled like vinegar.
What did you say?
Yes! You agreed to marry Rob! Thats enormous report, raw bird-dog, supposed Rob. Well get married in precisely 10 times. Do not speak to me until then. And then Rob left the restaurant.
That was 10 years ago today, and nowits eventually time to marry Rob! Your wedding is in 10 instants at OfficeMax. Before “theres going”, you will have to pick out something to wear to your bridal. What would you like to wear?
Beautiful. Here is a picture of you wearing your Gender-Neutral Wedding Suit. You look ready for love.
Here you are at the only OfficeMax in the city. There used to be a second OfficeMax, but it got shut down for exchanging paper, which is one of the main ingredients in pornography.
You are inside OfficeMax and it smells remarkable. Youve ever received information that OfficeMax smells like a heyday, and now you know that the rumors are true.
All your friends and family are here to celebrate your rapturous wed to Rob.
The first thing youll need to do is go to your Wife Nest, which is a special dressing room for the bride, to get ready for the wedding.
On your road to your Wife Nest, you run into Robs best man, Morris. Morris also exchanges ice-cold vinegar out of his auto door-to-door and he congregated Rob at the International Vinegar Salesmen Shirtless Bible Study, which is where the millions of vinegar salesmen from all over “the worlds” get together at Stonehenge to take off their shirts and speak the Bible to each other.
I have a confession to induce to you, reads Morris. I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since the working day that Rob muttered a description of what the hell are you looked like to me during International Vinegar Salesmen Shirtless Bible Study.
Please listen! Why dont you leave Rob and marry me instead? I will prepare you so happy. I will take “youve got to” a cave that has a leather case in it.
You decide to leave Rob and give your middle to Morris. He takes you to the mouth of a cave. Hey, is there a skin case in there? Morris bellowed into the cave.
Yeah! Theres a leather casing in here! Im standing on it! a mans singer calls out from deep within the cave.
Wow! You got to see a cave that had a leather coat inside of it! You didnt marry Rob, but you did get to marry Morris, who is worse.
You retreat to your Wife Nest. This is where the person who is waiting to marry Rob gets ready for the ceremony and waits for the wedding to start. The first thing that you will have to do is meet your girl of honor. The girl of honor is a fervent priestess who dedicates their own lives to manufacturing sure the bride does not get devoured by swine during the course of its wedding.
Okay, you have refused your legal right to a girl of honor.
Looks like theres nothing turn left do but used to go and marry Rob!
The second you step out of the Wife Nest “you think youre” ingested by numerous animals. Ordinarily, a girl of honor could have constructed sure that you didnt get snacked by swine, but since you dont have one, theres magnificent wildlife from all over “the worlds” just chowing down on your flesh and your “hairs-breadth”. In your final times, you call 911 and tell them that youre get ingested by swine. Thanks so much for calling 911, supposes the police dispatcher as a zebra slurps one of your legs into his mouth like spaghetti. It truly means a lot that you would think of us during your emergency.
The animals destroy you, and you dont get to marry Rob.
Here is your maid of reputation. Her identify is Denna Lumbarguss. She is your best friend that you have ever seen, and so now she is the main priestess on your bridal day.
This is such a special day for you. You must be so excited to marry Rob!
Well, I just want you to know that Im going to make sure that no swine gobble you during the uniting. Im going to make it so that times from now, when you look back on your marry daylight, the main thing youll remember about it is not get dined by an animal.
Youll have to excuse me now, articulates Denna Lumbarguss. I need to go into the OfficeMax and kill all the animals in it before you walk down the aisle. She leaves the Wife Nest.
All right, youve filled the maid of reputation. It is almost period for the wedding to begin. The last-place event that is required to do before the wedding is just beginning is to call up the mayor of your metropoli in order to let him know that you are about to get married. If the mayor does not know about your wed in advance, then the wed will be illegal.
You pick up the phone and call the mayor. This is the mayors office, supposes the mayor. If you are calling to register your marry with the governmental forces, please say yes. If you are calling to make fun to seeing how my hands are always visibly soaking wet, please wait for me to put you on speakerphone so that my wife and children can hear your offenses and laugh at me too.
All right. We will try to call the mayor again, and perhaps this time you wont end up in jail:
You pick up the phone and call the mayor. This is the mayors office, does the mayor. If you are calling to register your wedding with the government, please say yes. If you are calling to “re making fun” of how my hands are always visibly soaking wet, please wait for me to put you on speakerphone so that my spouse and children can hear your offenses and laugh at me too.
Okay, great. Tell me put you on speakerphone and get my spouse and kids in here so they can laugh at how wet my hands are also, speaks the mayor. Please hold on for one second.
The mayor blows a whistling that speaks FAMILY on it, and his wife and children penetrate the Oval Office, which is where the mayor does all his metropolitan business. My family, says the mayor, I have someone on speakerphone who is going to make fun of my soaked handwritings now.
Oh, we love to make fun of your soaked hands, Papa! screeching Arnold the Shrew, one of the mayors most loyal sons. The mayors spouse and children all applaud in agreement.
Okay, gives get started, adds the mayor. Gives make fun of my wet hands.
The mayors wife and children cry with charm. Its true-life! His wet hands are stupid! the mayors spouse, Josephine Birthdaysuit, creaks with wild eyes.
More offenses! There must be more offenses for my fathers soaking handwritings! shouts the mayors more honest son, Lumbers T. Gordon.
Stop it. Stop letting me have it. Stop travelling no-holds-barred against my soaked sides. I dominate it!
The mayors wife and children are losing their entire psyches with crazed merriment. What is being said about my husbands damp-as-the-deep handwritings is so true-life and humiliating! This is the best day of “peoples lives”! crows the spouse of the mayor. She fires a revolver into the ceiling as she bellows with satisfy. She cherishes where individuals call up and “re making fun” of how her husbands hands are very wet.
Stop making fun of my soaking mitts, replies the mayor. If you make fun of my oceanic mitten-stuffers one more time, Im going to hang up this phone and ostracize “youve got to” a worse city.
Dont listen to him, screech the mayors partner and children. Just altogether fry him alive for his wet handwritings!
HOORAY! shriek all of the mayors brides and children in unison. They start high-fiving each other and blowing caress at “the mens” watching them through the window and handing them a thumbs up. YOU Cook THE MAYOR! YOU ROASTED HIM TO TOAST!
Thats it, does the mayor. Ive put up with this long enough. Its not my fault that my hands are so wet. I smacked a Water Priest with my bicycle by collision, and he told me that my hands had to be his brides eternally. As soon as he said that, my hands became as wet as the ocean! So stop making fun of my soak, cursed hands! Im hanging up on you. I never want to talk to you on the phone again. Goodbye.
The mayor hangs up on you because you roasted him even worse. You didnt get to register your wedding to Rob with the government, but you will probably be okay. You will probably not get arrested for having an unregistered wedding. The mayor is too busy retrieving from getting fully roasted to do anything.
All right. First of all, congratulations on your wedlock happening today. I just have a few speedy legal questions. Are you wedding Louis, or are you marrying Rob?
Oh, well thats a comfort. You are particularly roasting the blaze out of my wet sides. All privilege. First of all, congratulations on your union happening today. I merely have a few speedy legal questions. Are you marrying Louis, or are you marrying Rob?
All right, so youre marriage Louis. Thats very exciting for you, remarks the mayor. Your wedding to Louis is now officially registered with the government. In prescribe to legally record your upcoming nuptials, a bronze of you caressing Louis will now be lowered on top of me, which will kill me. In this path, everyone will know that you are married to Louis. Goodbye.
Im sorry, I cant listen to you right now, suggests the mayor. I need to go get humbled to death by a statue of you kissing Louis. Congratulations on your bridal to Louis. Im going to hang up on you now.
The mayor hangs up. For some reason you told him you two are marriage Louis instead of Rob. This was inappropriate, and its uncertain why you did that.
Suddenly you sounds someone knocking on the door of your Wife Nest.
You open the door. Its Louis.
The government transported me here to wed you, replies Louis.
Konnichiwa, buckaroo. I dont know who you are. I am Louis. I love you. I will love you forever. Nonetheless, if you ever was transformed into a monstrous glitch like in that ass-backwards notebook from olden times, I would have no choice but to kill yourself big time.
Its the most beautiful communication youve never heard and you decide that Louis is probably fine, even though he isnt Rob. You get married and spend the rest of your lives together, which is about six eras because during your honeymoon to the Korean Demilitarized zone, the sound of an explosion ground-emplaced mine effects you both to hysterium and lead crying into the ocean. You never resurface.
Sorry, buckaroo, alleges Louis, but as it says here on this official authority commission, we are legally required to united. So, I guess youve got to marry me.
Well, you refused to marry Louis, and so now you have to go to jail for disobeying a government mandatory. Your cellmate is a man who is in prison because the government told him to marriage a sponge.
It was a good sponge, he says to you as you decompose away in your prison cell together. I just wasnt in LOVE with it, you know? You nod. You understand what it is like to think a sponge is a very good sponge without inevitably wanting to marry the sponge and waste the rest of their own lives having copulation with it. Love is complicated.
You are sentenced to 90 billion years in prison, and when you get out, “youve nothing to” do because everybody died when the sun explosion. You succumb of apathy, and you didnt get to marry Rob.
Okay, I understand that youre wedding Rob. My next inquiry is, after you marriage Rob, are you going to SMELL him or are you going to KILL him?
Ah, I understand, announces the mayor. It sounds like you are going to MARRY Rob and then KILL Rob. This is very good. Was it not Shakespeare himself who wrote,
Its excellent to kill your partner, because then you are able to fluctuating his dead body around and bang it loudly on the punk of your neighbors vehicle in the middle of the nighttime so that your neighbor can never go to sleep. This will stimulate your neighbour to become insane, and where reference is drains hollering into the woods, you can go inside his house and watch his TV.