At dinner, there were sorcerers labouring the tables. Picture: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the marriage of my ex-husbands boss. The formality has just taken place in a extremely fancy Footballers Wives-type inn in Surrey. Wed booked an ordinary room but the bridegroom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden-variety. He also moved 10,000 in cash the working day before just to pay for all the various entertainers not including the cost of the inn, meat and sucks of course.
We arrived to a string quartet, and the acrobats seemed shortly after that and did a number while we imbibe champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus whore, and as there had been so much champagne before the banquet, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee when you opened the door to the girls was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner where there were magicians running the tables. Just before pudding, the servers burst into carol they were good and it was actually quite funny. The whole act was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two beings pledging their “ve been wanting to” one another. And by 4am the hotel had entirely run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and hitherto stupefying uniting Ive ever been to.