At dinner, there used to be sorcerers wielding the tables. Picture: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the marriage of my ex-husbands boss. The rite has just taken place in a extremely fancy Footballers Wives-type hotel in Surrey. Wed booked an everyday area but the bridegroom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden. He likewise moved 10,000 in cash the day before just to pay for all the different entertainers not including the cost of the hotel, food and drinkings of course.
We arrived to a fibre quartet, and the acrobats sounded shortly after that and did a number while we imbibe champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus floozy, and as there had been so much champagne before the snack, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee-wee when you opened the door to the ladies was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner where there were magicians operating the tables. Just before pudding, the attendants burst into song the latter are good and it was actually quite funny. The whole thought was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two people donating their love to one another. And by 4am the hotel had altogether run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and yet stunning marriage Ive ever been to.