At dinner, there used to be sorcerers running the tables. Image: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the uniting of my ex-husbands boss. The ceremony has just taken place in a exceedingly fancy Footballers Wives-type hotel in Surrey. Wed booked an ordinary area but the groom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden. He also moved 10,000 in currency the day before only to pay for all the different entertainers not including the cost of the inn, meat and guzzles of course.
We arrived to a string quadruplet, and the acrobats showed shortly after that and did a routine while we drink champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus floozy, and as there had been so much champagne before the dinner, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee-wee when you opened the door to the madams was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner where there were magicians wreaking the tables. Just before pudding, the waiters burst into song they were good and it was actually quite funny. The whole act was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two beings pledging their “ve been wanting to” each other. And by 4am the hotel had only run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and hitherto startling uniting Ive ever been to.