At dinner, there used to be sorcerers wreaking the tables. Photo: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the uniting of my ex-husbands boss. The formality has just taken place in a extremely fancy Footballers Wives-type hotel in Surrey. Wed booked an ordinary area but the groom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden-variety. He likewise receded 10,000 in currency the previous day simply to pay for all the various entertainers not including the cost of the inn, meat and sucks of course.
We arrived to a cord quadruplet, and the acrobats sounded shortly after that and did a number while we booze champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus whore, and as there had been so much champagne before the meal, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee when you opened the door to the maidens was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner where there were magicians operating the tables. Just before pudding, the waiters burst into song they were good and it was actually quite funny. The whole thought was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two people pledging their “ve been wanting to” each other. And by 4am the inn had only run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and yet stupefying wedding Ive ever been to.