At dinner, there used to be sorcerers labouring the tables. Photo: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the marriage of my ex-husbands boss. The formality has just taken place in a very fancy Footballers Wives-type hotel in Surrey. Wed booked an everyday area but the bridegroom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden-variety. He too receded 10,000 in money the previous day simply to pay for all the various entertainers not including the cost of the hotel, food and liquors of course.
We arrived to a string quartet, and the acrobats seemed shortly after that and did a number while we imbibe champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus whore, and as there had been so much champagne before the meal, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee-wee when you opened the door to the ladies was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner where there were magicians running the tables. Just before pudding, the attendants burst into psalm the latter are good and it was actually quite funny. The whole situation was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two people donating their love to one another. And by 4am the inn had exclusively run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and yet startling wedding Ive ever been to.