At dinner, there were magicians wreaking the tables. Photo: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the uniting of my ex-husbands boss. The ceremony took place in a very fancy Footballers Wives-type hotel in Surrey. Wed booked an ordinary chamber but the bridegroom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden. He likewise moved 10,000 in cash the previous day just to pay for all the different entertainers not including the cost of the inn, food and liquors of course.
We arrived to a fibre quartet, and the acrobats emerged shortly after that and did a routine while we booze champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus tart, and as there had been so much champagne before the dinner, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee when you opened the door to the maidens was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner where there were magicians wreaking the tables. Just before pudding, the servers burst into lyric the latter are good and it was actually quite funny. The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two people donating their love to one another. And by 4am the hotel had only run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and yet stupefying uniting Ive ever been to.