Remember the days when the only space to predict what kind of man you’d end up with was to invest $200 on a clairvoyant, another $100 on crystal healing stones, and then wait for a “man of enormous riches” to show up in three to six months?

Oh…was that exactly me?

Anyway, I’ve saved a lot of fund since connecting Hinge–the profile causes alone are enough to give any single betch a peek into her wifely future. Read on to uncover the read-between-the-lines truths.

1. The Husband Who Wants Sons But Will Only Get Daughters

I have noticed the millennial guys of Hinge go for 90 ’s classic like a fuckboy to the phrase, “You’re on the pill, right? ” If any one of his promptings notes this film, take note: future developments husband expects you to produce male heirs only. Weigh telling him wear a Henry VIII-inspired cape to your wed, because that’s what you’re in for.

Inevitably though, because this happens to every past-his-prime jock, he will be cursed with daughters. This is the universe’s way of penalizing him for every “U up? ” text he cast before determining down with you, his Hinge princess.

Parenthood with this guy may start off grisly( preparations for weepings at your gender reveal ), but he will soon realize he was able to lace up hot pink hockey skates just as readily as pitch-black ones. Before you know it, this guy will be playing Pretty Pretty Princess with a competitiveness often reserved for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final.

2. The Fancy Husband

Look, I know there’s a eyelid to every container and all that hopeful shit, but is this guy serious? This is his “go-to dish”? Excuse me while I put on my ball gown and specified the counter with 15 forkings for my “relaxed dinner.”

If you marry this guy, preparations for a lifetime of dinners resembling every banquet at Richard and Emily Gilmore’s house, and Thanksgiving meals where sweatpants is not simply discouraged…they are forbidden. Amazingly, some people enjoy this lifestyle. These are also those kinds of people who identify “their childrens” “Winifred” and “Watson.”

I’m not into it, but I’m self-confident there’s a Barbour-clad betch somewhere out there simply itching to release her inner Martha and enjoy a casual foie gras in front of the television Great Gatsby-esque, wood-burning fireplace.

Make sure you have ample ball garments. You’ll need them.

3. The Husband Who LOVES Activities

In life, there are two different types of parties: those whose container inventory contained in “not thumping the snooze button 12 seasons, ” and this guy.

On the surface, this future Hinge Husband looks like a shitton of merriment. Four times in, however, and you’ll realize the level of staman it takes simply to hang. Six dates in, you’ll find out about his “second” Instagram account–the one that’s sponsored by Red Bull and consists of thousands of GoPro pics of him leaping off mountains and dirt biking through jungles. Eventually, mainly because he gets an “influencer” discount at LuluLemon, you’ll agree to marry him.

Fair warning: This buster is exhilarating AF to be around, but your entire matrimony will be like an episode of with no medal at the end. He’s the type who, on your honeymoon, will say situations like, “I’ve mapped out this tightening itinerary for us.” When you look at it, the working day will have enough acts crammed in to last the entire week.

4. The Childlike( But Loveable) Husband

No, this is not a quote from your future son or daughter. This is a real-life grown-up being. And someday, if you’re lucky, you could be his sprinkle-covered B& C( ball and chain, duh ).

Married life with Mr. Ice Cream will consist of pretty much all things good: He will willingly take your brats to the amusement park , no questions asked. He will enjoy eating in bed with you while watching reruns of 90 ’s Nickelodeon game show and. He will never forget a birthday or anniversary, because he enjoys any type of party, period.

If you spot this person on Hinge, run, don’t walking, to your spiked milkshake appointment.( Yes, these are a happen, and yes, he will hint this .)