If youre over the age of 25, June entails one of two things: either a) everyone you know and their own brother is getting married or b) youre getting married. “They dont have” c. Those are the only two alternatives. Luckily, as we get closer to July, all the wedding, adoration, union bullshit starts to slow down because its so hot that getting married or doing anything that involves leaving the house chimes fucking miz. In home of the eternally wed year and best period ever Instagrams youll start to see baecation and never leaving ones take their target. In other terms, honeymoon season is upon us. Thats why were breaking down what your honeymoon destination does about you. So you can choose wisely or evaluate the shit out of your seedy newlywed sidekicks. Either lane you acquire!

1. Mexico

Cancun? For your honeymoon? Groundbreaking. Mexico, for some reason Ill never understand, has become the more popular recognise for newlyweds. Somewhat much, if this is what you choose, youre clich af. Your hub probs booked this for you and freaked the fuck out when he found a target where all the food was included. Bless him and his cheap-ass centre. Youll enjoy yourself, but privately youll be thinking about how much more fun you had in Mexico during springtime terminate sophomore time and how much better the fornication was with Johnny the Sigma Chi than your brand-new spouse. Bummer. Like your unoriginal honeymoon option, youll live a jolly basic life. In a few years, youll move to the suburb, pop out a few teenagers and live a entirely boring life.

2. Europe

Youre doing the honeymoon for the ‘gram and everyone knows it. You care a lot what people remember and want to come off as way more cultured and original than your other newlywed friends who are laying on a beach somewhere. The very best storages were probs from when you examined abroad in Europe and you obliged your fianc into booking this errand instead of an all-inclusive somewhere because you wanted to move those same rememberings with him. Vom. Because you care so much about what beings reckon, your union seems perfect to intruders but behind closed doors some serious shit is down. Youll pretend everything is okay until you catch him bolt his secretary and then youll trench his ass and take his fund with you. Mazel!

3. Anywhere In The Continental U.S.

I mean, severely? I know the Grand Canyon is pretty and Napa has some of “the worlds” good wine-colored, but live a little. You merely tied yourself to one person and missionary sexuality for the rest of your life, the least you can do is leave the country. When “youre staying” stateside, you become the Mexico crew look like true wanderlustersthats how fucking lame you are. When people ask why youre not actually “re going away”, youll play all holier than thou about not involving a fancy tour because marriage your soulmate is celebration enough but deep down youre already starting to hysterium about how uneventfully your life is panning out. I’m not reading anyone who has their honeymoon in the U.S. is destined to have a mid-life crisis where they freak out, fuck the hot new apprentice at their errand, and have a messy divorce, but I’m too not saying that.

4. French Polynesia

Tahiti, Bora Bora and the likes are reserved for the super wealthy romantic natures. Sure, most honeymoons expenditure more than what a duo can afford, but it takes true-life fund is capable of being lower $20 k on a week-long vacay. Like, I cant do that even if I wanted to.( Ok, you got me, I want to .) Your marriage is possibly in busines or taking over the family business, while you have household coin but managed to territory a executioner PR job right out of college. When you decide to have teenagers youll hire at the least three nannies and said here today because youre working parents, but really its because you dont want to give up your opulent lifestyle of traveling around the world and black tie galas.

5. Caribbean

Anywhere in the Caribbean tends to be a popular select when it comes to chosen by the perfect blot for a honeymoon. There are different islands for different vibes: Jamaica and Puerto Rico for average peeps, St. Barts and Anguilla for the bougie betches, and a cluster of shit in the middle. If you go to the Caribbean after your wedding youre most probably the life of the party and everyone likes you. Youre not as lame as the peoples of the territories going to Mexico but not as snobby the Bora Bora gang. Youll live in the city for a few years and then move to an up-and-coming outskirt when you decide to start a fam. Your boys will probs be cool very and youll grow old with your cool little family.

6. Asia

Like the newlyweds that go to Europe, you care what WAY too much beings remember and cant wait to pole honeymoon pics of your Asian adventure on social media, but rather than has become a sophisticated, Upper East side type, youre a hipster couple that composts all your trash and judges the shit out of people who contemplate Starbucks is good coffee. In other messages, your marry had mason jars and burlap and you’re various kinds of the worst. When you get home, youll tell everyone that investigating the Tian Tan Buddha statue in Hong Kong was the most incredible time of their own lives, but you actually liked razzing elephants in Thailand better. In the future, youll sell your apartment in the city to get a minuscule room or an RV or some other hipster bullshit in the middle of nowhere. Youll go off the grid and no one will miss you. Oh, and you smoke a lot of weed.

7. Hawaii

Hawaii is for the couple who, despite is available on their late 20 s, is actually like fucking 40 years old at heart. If this is you, you stopped taking birth control on the wedding night and is very likely to get pregnant sometime during the course of its errand because youre ready to be a mommy like, yesterday. The wedding ceremony was in a church that youve been going to your whole life and there was a receipt right after in a barn with only brew and wine-coloured. Id bet your last name is Smith or Jones. In a few years, youll become the president of the PTA and start a blog about motherhood announced Mom-Stop, a play on non-stop that no one will pick up on.

8. A Cruise

Are you fucking kidding me? A cruise? For your honeymoon? Gross. Thats all.