If youre over the age of 25, June represents one of two things: either a) everyone you know and their fucking brother is getting married or b) youre getting married. “There dont” c. Those are the only two alternatives. Luckily, as we get closer to July, all the wed, ardour, wedding bullshit starts to slow down because its so hot that getting married or doing anything that involves leaving the house chimes fucking miz. In neighbourhood of the forever marry date and excellent period ever Instagrams youll start to see baecation and never leaving ones take their home. In other statements, honeymoon season is upon us. Thats why were breaking down what your honeymoon destination says about you. So you can choose wisely or evaluate the shit out of your shabby newlywed pals. Either direction you acquire!

1. Mexico

Cancun? For your honeymoon? Groundbreaking. Mexico, for some rationale Ill never understand, has become the more popular recognise for newlyweds. Fairly much, if this is what you choose, youre clich af. Your centre probs booked this for you and freaked the fuck out when he found a residence where all the nutrient was included. Bless him and his cheap-ass mettle. Youll enjoy yourself, but privately youll be thinking about how much more recreation you had in Mexico during outpouring crack sophomore time and how so much more the sex was with Johnny the Sigma Chi than your brand-new marriage. Bummer. Like your unoriginal honeymoon alternative, youll live a quite basic life. In a few years, youll move to the suburbs, pop out a few kids and live a absolutely boring life.

2. Europe

Youre doing the honeymoon for the ‘gram and everyone knows it. You care a lot what parties repute and want to come off as method more cultured and original than your other newlywed sidekicks who are laying on a beach somewhere. Your best storages were probs from when you contemplated abroad in Europe and you compelled your fianc into booking this trip instead of an all-inclusive somewhere because you wanted to draw those same recognitions with him. Vom. Because you care so much about what parties believe, your wedlock ogles perfect to foreigners but behind closed doors some serious shit goes down. Youll pretend everything is okay until you catch him clamping his secretary and then youll ditch his ass and take his coin with you. Mazel!

3. Anywhere In The Continental U.S.

I mean, gravely? I know the Grand Canyon is pretty and Napa has some of countries around the world best wine, but live a bit. You only tied yourself to one person and missionary fornication for the rest of their own lives, the least you can do is leave the country. When “youre staying” stateside, you realize the Mexico crew was like true-blue wanderlustersthats how fucking lame “you think youre”. When people ask why youre not actually going somewhere, youll act all holier than thou about not necessity a fancy tour because marrying your soulmate is celebration enough but deep down youre already starting to terror about how uneventfully your life is washing out. I’m not saying anyone who has their honeymoon in the U.S. is destined to have a mid-life crisis where they freak out, fuck the red-hot brand-new apprentice at their task, and have a messy divorce, but I’m also not saying that.

4. French Polynesia

Tahiti, Bora Bora and the likes are reserved for the super wealthy nostalgic characters. Sure, most honeymoons cost more than what a couple can render, but it takes genuine fund to be able to stop $20 k on a week-long vacay. Like, I cant do that even though it is I wanted to.( Ok, you got me, I want to .) Your spouse is probably in investment or taking over their own families business, while you have house fund but managed to land a murderer PR job right out of college. When you decide to have boys youll hire at least three nannies and say its because youre working parents, but actually its because you dont want to give up your plush life-style of traveling all over the world and black tie galas.

5. Caribbean

Anywhere in the Caribbean tends to be a popular choice when it comes to choosing the perfect recognise for a honeymoon. There are different islands for different vibes: Jamaica and Puerto Rico for average peeps, St. Barts and Anguilla for the bougie betches, and a bunch of shit in the middle. If you go to the Caribbean after your wedding youre more likely the life of the party and everyone likes you. Youre not as lame as the people going to Mexico but not as snobby the Bora Bora crew. Youll live in the city for a few years and then move to an up-and-coming suburb when you decide to start a fam. Your children will probs be cool too and youll grow old with your cool little family.

6. Asia

Like the newlyweds that go to Europe, you care what WAY too much parties envisage and cant just waiting post honeymoon pics of your Asian adventure on social media, but rather than being a sophisticated, Upper East side type, youre a hipster duo that composts all your waste and evaluates the shit out of people who ponder Starbucks is good coffee. In other words, your bridal had mason jars and burlap and you’re kind of the most difficult. When you get home, youll tell everyone that investigating the Tian Tan Buddha statue in Hong Kong was the most phenomenal minute of their own lives, but you actually liked razzing elephants in Thailand better. In the future, youll sell your suite in the town to get a tiny compartment or an RV or some other hipster bullshit in the midst of nowhere. Youll go off the grid and no one will miss you. Oh, and you smoke a lot of weed.

7. Hawaii

Hawaii is for the couple who, despite being in their late 20 s, is actually like fucking 40 years old at heart. If this is you, you stopped taking family planning on the wedding night and will probably be pregnant sometime during the course of its trip because youre ready to be a mommy like, yesterday. The wedding ceremony was in a faith that youve been going to your whole life and there was a reception right after in a barn with alone beer and wine-colored. Id bet your last name is Smith or Jones. In a few years, youll grow the chairman of the PTA and start a blog about motherhood called Mom-Stop, a play on non-stop that no one will pick up on.

8. A Cruise

Are you fucking kidding me? A sail? For your honeymoon? Gross. Thats all.